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I would prefer a disposable girlfriend over a reusable one. 
If you have to ask someone if you look fat, you do.
Money is not yours until you spend it.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!
A taser, but for when people try to talk about their feelings.
I show people I love them by not spending time with them. It’s the best thing I can offer.
Men who cry about being single, cry even louder after getting married !!
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
I take things too literally. My mom sent me to the grocery store, “Get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.” I came home with a dozen loaves of bread, and told her, "They had eggs."
My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven't tried yet.
You had me at, "we'll make it look like an accident."
First time I married 4 love. I've learned my lesson. Next time it's all about sex and money, but mostly sex.
can anyone tell me why the crimson tide sucks?
My phone changed the word calendar to "cake radar." Now I'm sad that I don't have that
All I wanted for Christmas was to get promoted out of the friend zone.
Looking forward to 2014 again..... she was 20 and I was 14. Good times!
I don't know about you but I'm that guy who will strike up a conversation with you while waiting in a long line.Tell a joke to all the people standing there to change their day and mine also. I enjoy people..... and life is too short!
Maybe Fedex and UPS need some of those delivery drones!
I'm working on my 2014 New Year's Resolutions List 1. On January 1st, "Express order" workout equipment. 2. January 2nd workout with new equipment 3. January 3rd "Place Ad to sell workout equipment at 1/2 price"
Writing a new rap song and need a word that rhymes with trigger. 