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Tell your g/f "Flip a coin. Heads I get tail; tails I get head." 
If god told me tigers and lions didn't eat humans.........I probably would have one by now
The more selfies she has, the more times you'll have to tell her she's pretty everyday.
I apologize for shouting REMIX!!! during the vows at your second wedding.
There's magic in the air and it's called Wifi.
I don't know why I'm supposed to care about that guy the Pope. I'm not even J ewish.
I'll be glad when it's warm enough to pee outside!
Told the owner of my company that I'm not coming in Monday because he has this new "Affluenza" and I don't want to catch it.
Whenever I hear the Christmas song about "nuts roasting on an open fire" I cringed. My wife plays that song over and over when she's mad at me..... even if it's in July
Tonight I've decided to put the bourban in suburban,
This is the season for giving, so give generously whenever possible. Yes, I mean Oral.
My landlord is a very evil man, I'm going to call Kim Jong and tell him all about "My Uncle"
Snow White is my favorite Disney movie about a man trying to hook up with a woman who just wants to sleep.
My mom said were going on vacation somewhere in South Africa, she called it "Kanye West"
If you can read this, thank a teacher. Like right now. Break into their house and wake them up.
They say women dress for women and undress for men, whereas I dress for my pets and undress for joggers.
If websites had closing hours divorces, murder and pregnancy would double.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got that restraining order.
Every family has a relative that they would prefer to keep hidden during the Holidays. If you think your family doesn't have one...Trust me it is YOU!
The voters in Dallas are pushing to have a proposition added to the next election adding term limits for someone to own or be the gm for the cowboys. 