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You'd think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back. 
The whole idea of a drug free workplace is funny, isn't it? I mean the workplace is why I need drugs in the first place.
I love Instagram's new direct messaging feature because I've always thought, "If only this picture of someone's dinner was just for me."
Just because it's Friday the 13th doesn't mean anything, my luck sucks everyday so really today is no different.
I'm at my wife's company Christmas party and there is like zero pus sy here. I hate Christmas.
You know it's over when you start closing the door again when you pee
Don't get mad... get weed.
I can remember when he was just Lieutenant Tso...when nobody respected his meat..
I've said it before and I'll say it again: it before
your reputation in high school doesn't matter once you graduate anyways so why spend 4 years trying to impress people you'll never see again
when did we replace the word “said” with “was like”
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people's funerals.
Thinking of the best status to post and nothing funny comes to mind so just pretend this is the funniest status you've read today. - Management
keep the conversation on my post going,but be sure I'll be deleting it when ts on the climax
Today is Friday, December 13th. I can't tell you how relieved I am that Christmas isn't on Friday the 13th this year.
It's Friday the 13th. Good thing I'm not superstitious, it's unlucky to be superstitious...
Oh com'on Kim Jong everyone has a ''funny uncle'' in the family....don't you think the firing squad was a little harsh???
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
I got this whole Christmas gifting thing on lock!! I bought my mom a fridge for Xmas a few years ago and still to this day every time she opens it....her face lights up
Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? A: Fo' Drizzle 