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Catholic Priests rub me the wrong way. 
I am about tired of all this frozen global warming!
When I die, keep it simple. Just launch me into space while Elton John plays "Rocket Man" on a glass piano and Maya Angelou reads my statuses
Don't stab people in the back...Stab em in the front!!!
With the holidays, I'd rather check my facebook than face my checkbook...
I never thought I would ever say this, but I am supporting Lindsay Lohan in this catfight. Lesser of two evils is my reasoning.
The problem with alcohol is that that... it wears off.
If you need me, I'll be in the shower trying to wash away the last twenty years of my life.
Being smart doesn't stop yolu from doing stupid things.
I don't want anyone to bother me with stupid $h!t today. Stupid $h!t is defined as anything I don't want to be bothered with.
It's hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I guess that they couldn't 'debug' Grace Hopper this time....
I took it to the house once, but my wife made me return it.
Love means never having to say you're sorry. But only if the relationship you're in is imaginary.
Pro tip: Don't play mind games with smart people when you know you are dumb.
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
If you're having a weird pain today remember, tons of people die from that stuff all the time.
I'm surprised the back of soy milk cartons don't have missing hipster children. 