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It's damn funny when a wife think's she's punishing her husband by not talking to him for days.. 
If the world was a school, the united states would be the special class.
Until I have it again, I refuse to believe that sex is still a thing
Just because I don't like you doesn't mean I don't want you to like me.
Surprise your husband or wife this holiday season with consensual sex.
Consensual sex sounds expensive.
I made my own wine so I should have to pay less - Jesus, when the bill came at the last supper, probably
Kids, stay in school so you can afford better weed.
What doesn't die when you kill it? A relationship.
I bet people at my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
If any of you guys get to hell before me, save me a seat at the bar
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.
Women like to preach about women empowerment and equality until its time for them to pull out their own chair, then it's "manners".
When I said "I'm fine",I lied and I wanted you to detect it. - Women
Bears are just men who were abandoned by their wives and haven't shaved since then.
Accept your defeat if your opponent is your future wife.
No, I don't deserve sex because I bought you dinner - but after hearing all of the reasons why you became a vegan, yes.
Alcohol does NOT make you fat, it makes you LEAN...against tables, chairs and walls... 