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Anyone in Detroit with muscles think you can help me unscrew this part in my car? I've been at it for like 20 minutes and it won't budge 
Remember,,, If a three year old is quiet, they are usually trying to burn your house down and find batteries to eat
Do you know why most men die before their wives? Because they want to.
A company is now selling bacon-scented deodorant. I hope Axe Body Spray doesn't come up with their own version... I'd really hate to see the women who'll mob you for THAT scent.
Toronto mayor Rob Ford has agreed to star in a p0rno flick. Now there's a guy who will take a crack at anything.
I think before we give the government any more money, they need to start showing us some receipts.
I AM A STEGOSAURUS.
the difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer
I was so angry at my parents when I found out Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I’m sorry I don’t meet your expectations but I think you should give me some credit for excelling at disappointing you.
I don't know if curiosity ever really killed any cats, but I once smashed a beer mug on a guy's head for asking my age.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
You're not a true drama queen until people start making popcorn when they see you walking down the street.
I try to live each day like it's my last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry b/c hey, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their lives??
Dear Curiousity: Just please put down the gun and let's talk this out. -The Cat
"Hey Baby, My Magic watch says you don't have any underwear on" "Oh, You do?" "It must be 15 Minutes fast ' :)
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
Based on what politicians say it appears they care more about my future than I do.
hard to believe that gangnam style was the top song this time last year 