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In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on. 
Just when I think I'm done being a fool, I see something else super shiny and stupid to do.
Kanye West spoke at Harvard, just in case you were wondering about the direction of the country.
Siri, where are my pants?
Hey girl. Your cleavage is not a YouTube video. More views doesn’t make it any better than the rest.
You know the economy is bad when black folks can't afford to talk during a movie.
Once bitten, twice shy. Twice bitten, b*tch I will muzzle you.
Have you ever noticed people who work in designer stores have attitudes like they can afford to not work in a store?
If you hear a guy order a Pumpkin Spiced Latte go ahead and steal his wallet. Trust me, he's not gonna do anything about it.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Got my wife some lovely perfume for Xmas, its called Tester.. Hope she likes it.
Are you all getting ready for Thanksgiving? PETA says today's turkeys are so fat, they can't stand up, they're prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. No, I'm sorry, that's what the turkeys are saying about us. I had it backward.
An old lady at my dad's grocery store was mad because the turkeys were small. She asked, "Do you think they'll get bigger right before Thanksgiving? " I said, "No mam." She goes, "Why?" I go, because they're dead."
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over....yep she needs a walker!
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction,,, I hope there's no hard feelings
They say you will eat approximately 23 spiders in your life,,, but really you can eat as many as you want.. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
ALSO FACT: You eat 28 spiders in your lifetime... Always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
The besth thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
Apparently, California has the highest rate of Adultery and Depression. It's a sad State of affairs....
The party's not over 'till you smile for the mugshot. ;-p 