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If a room is spinning, it doesn't mean the world revolves around you... you may have just had too much to drink.... 
If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food
I accidently grabbed the wrong shopping cart at Walmart and I'm hoping this kid stops crying because I am not going to raise a crybaby!
Every time a couple gets married, two single people stop existing.
The only thing more pussified than a joint FB account is renewing your wedding vows...
"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers." - new york's most hated cab driver
I hate when i'm shopping at the grocery store and realize the shopping cart I've been pushing across the aisle isn't mine and I don't have a blonde haired blue-eyed baby....
Just like all relationships, the people that I have been FB friends with the longest get on my nerves the most.
I'm beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen..
When Jennifer Aniston cuts her hair, it makes headlines on CNN. When I cut my hair, my wife tells me to stop trimming my balls over the sink
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
Golden words by a wise man:"If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can't even change a TV channel..."
I could amaze you with the things I don't know and terrify you with the things I do
People are always worrying about getting gray hair. But actuall gray hair is pretty cool. Just ask any guy that's bald.
I may not have grown old gracefully, but having a woman who still loves me has helped me to grow old gratefully.
Some of the happiest years of a woman's life are when she's 29.
Anyone who wants to be successful in old age has to start young.
I've been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree
Evaluate the people in your life; Then promote, demote or terminate! You're the CEO of your life....
I never knew true happiness until I got married. But by then it was too late 