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son, I checked your internet history the other day. it was completely empty, which can only mean one thing. why don't you use the internet? 
Life is just better when you're laughing.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
As long as I can still scare white folks, I'm not a sellout.
I'm an adult, but not "pay my bills on time" adult.
When the apocalypse comes soy sauce & ketchup packets WILL be our currency. Otherwise I've been collecting these for nothing
My internet connection failed all afternoon and I had to open a book and read it ...like a wild animal.
R.I.P. Lou Reed... hope you're now taking a walk on the wild side....
Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj jump off the Empire State Building. Who hits first?......Who cares?
Kitchen Tip: Black currants resemble mouse turds but have a subtly different flavor... Substitute freely for turds in any recipe. *Martha Stuart Little*
I pooped all over myself, can I NOW collect a Dallas Cowboys paycheck?
Love is often thought of as an emotion that takes time to develop. In reality, love is just a seed that gets planted. It grows when nourished. Fortunately in my case, my seed is a microwave popcorn seed ...
If I were the President, I'd create the Adorable Care Act, where every American would get a free puppy.
One day, as a little boy, I wrote to Santa Clause. "Please send me a little brother." Santa Clause wrote me back,,, "Ok, send me your mother."
What I call morning wood, you're gonna call breakfast in bed.
"I don't feel good." -James Brown's last words.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
WrestleMania III in the Detroit suburb of Pontiac, Michigan was the highest-attended indoor sports event in the world, with 93,173 fans in attendance.
so batman, superman, and spiderman just unfriend me because the giraffe riddle offended them.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October. 