Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
I like to hold my wifes head under the covers and loudly exclaim"Release The Kraken".....then loudly fart 
I was going to make one of those Bitstrips cartoons, but then I decided to pick the lint out of my belly button instead. I'm pretty sure I came out ahead ツ
Be thankful for who you are, because there might be someone out there who wishes to be you.
Rejected Yankee Candle Scents: • Taco • Halibut with Lime • Garden Croc • Macy's credit card • Carbon credits
Facebook is the perfect tool for keeping in touch with people that you lost touch with for very good reasons.
The gotye concert was amazing. kept playing "Somebody That I Used To Know" over & over. Easy to go to the bathroom, concessions.. Would recommend
My sense of humor has been described as,,, "please stop" and "you're ruining dinner"
BREAKING: DNA evidence clears curiosity, cat murderer still at large.
Yes, a Catholic school girl uniform will attract attention. But I don't think that is the look you want. Sir.
If you want guys to get involved in causes, give them some motivation.... "This year's united way 5k includes a BJ from a stripper"
It's so cold out that politicians have their hands in their own pockets for a change!
I still stand by my "always judge a man by his neck tattoos" theory.
Join the rev al sharpton and boycott Barney's
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.
I don't understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
A CIVIL war is where people are nice and polite to each other “Excuse me kind sir, would you mind having your head chopped off?”
Doc: Do you sleep with your contacts? Me: Only the pretty ones.
I question guys right in the middle of sex, like: 'Are you enjoying this? Have I been courteous & kind? Would you recommend me to a friend if we ever break up?'
If Jesus did jokes and not parables he’d probably have more than 12 followers. 