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Pro tip:When women want to be held, hold em When they're sad, love em When they're drunk, try for butthole. It's easier when they're drunk \ :D / 
Happy birthday to the microwave oven. As The very first domestic model was introduced 58 years ago today, by the Tappan stove company in Mansfield, Ohio.Formally known as Tappan @ss LLC.
79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
Just drank a 'coffee to go' while sitting. Screw the system!
I give ulcers,... I don't get them
my keyboard must be female because it always has a period
Plain girls want to save dogs. Hot girls want to save wolves.
I suggested to a girl who listed her relationship as "It's Complicated", to allow me come over and add to the complication.
No matter how loud the game is on downstairs, a man always hears the sound of a bra hitting the floor upstairs.
I'm dumb. I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn't work...
Life stopped handing us lemons and started giving us reasons to drink instead
I don't care how expensive your hair is, just don't get mad when I pull it off when were having sex
Wedding anniversaries are meant to celebrate the number of years a couple has been married, not how long they've been happy
Marriage? If I wanted to share a room with someone I'm not having sex with I'd have gone back to high-school!
It's none of my business whether you wear a weave or not. I only care when we have sex & it tries to strangle me when I'm asleep
I've really never been able to walk the walk or talk the talk, but if you need someone to drink the drink, I might be just the one you're looking for..
WTF Levi's? 36" fall off. 35" sqeeze me in half. It's one damn inch!!
this year for halloween I'm passing out chocolate laxatives
Boss: You're on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago. 