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Most of my Facebook friends look better as cartoons 
#Throwbackthursdays , The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
Whenever I feel like my life sucks, I go to Walmart , then I feel better
Last week the people who wanted to delay Obamacare were called legislative arsonists and terrorists who were holding the country hostage. This week they’re called Democrats
With all this talk of adding Puerto Rico as the 51st state, I feel like our new goal number should be 53 states. A prime number.... "One nation, indivisible..."
How come none of these new cartoon girls are as fat as the real person??
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: 'last warning, you have a week to get the money together.'
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Obama leaned in, pointed to German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and murmured, "I tapped that." #NSA
“Hey, it's been 10 seconds. Check your pockets again. Maybe your missing keys have magically reappeared there.” (My Brain)
Has anyone created a national do not poke list for Facebook yet?
When you said coke I assumed you meant cocaine. No thank you. Soda is bad for you.
I wish I had half the respiratory health and vitality that my dog does. She smells everyone's a$$ and still never catches a cold.
Why do we have silencers for guns but not for boxes of movie theater candy?
Adam ate the apple, and our teeth still ache.
Every morning I try something new, but only because the coffee barista cannot get my order right.
Everyone has awesome boobs in their bitstrip
Bitstrip has taught me one thing.... My friends are entirely incapable of being funny.... even in cartoons.
We need naked bitstrip cartoon people if this is going to work. Just my opinion.
Pro tip:When women want to be held, hold em When they're sad, love em When they're drunk, try for butthole. It's easier when they're drunk \ :D / 