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tshirt idea: 100% cotton, yo momma picked it. 
You want romance? Seriously? In this economy?
I like to hit snooze from the back.
Oral in the morning.... because your breath smells like ass anyway.
I've mastered the art of trusting people when they have clearly proven they don't deserve to be trusted
It's hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
Why do people say "everyone is entitled to their own opinion" after saying something really stupid?
There’s a monkey that’s an astronaut but you’re just some guy writing jokes for strangers on the Internet.
Born again? Why? Was the first time really that bad?
Yesterday John McCain said the government shutdown was worse than the one in '95. That's 1795. He was 44 at the time, cleaning a musket for his son.
Jerk** I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I'm convinced that the employees of Ikea were just used to be customers who didn't know how to get out and just gave up.
I judge how my week is going by how many times I've had to sit down in my shower.
I just got kicked out of a Whole Foods for wearing deodorant.
I'm not bringing sexy back. I'm the reason sexy left in the first place.
Life didn't hand me lemons. I picked them myself.
You're aying, "There’s a monkey that’s an astronaut but you’re just some guy writing jokes for strangers on the Internet." َ A loyal stranger is better than a greedy and two faced friend.
Why won't anyone in my trailer watch ET with me????
I find it ironic that Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to alter the Constitution to enable him to run for President...an office in which the very oath thereof states "...PRESERVE, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States."
Hell has no fury like an ugly woman when she gets power. 