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Homeland is a really good series if you’ve been having trouble sleeping. 
This pen I stole from the bank is off the chain
The work day would be so much more fun if it were Casualty Friday
Can you even imagine how long the Carfax report is on the Batmobile
A country song,,, but for how bad country music is.
Bigamy: Having one wife too many
Monogomy: See Bigamy
PRO TIP: You can put a baseball card between the spokes on a Prius, and make it sound like a real car
When it rains it pours for the OU Sooners - not only did Texas beat them but now they learned that they have to return to Oklahoma.
I used a sta tus I stole from here that had 8 L IKES, but on my page it only got 2 L IKES. Can I get a refund?
The only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog.
Maybe the EBT card shutdown is actually a new DIET plan created by Michelle Obama?
Pro Tip: If your EBT Card is denied... just take out your ObamaPhone and call him.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read "Jedi I am" trip on a curb and fall. Jedi you are not sir
The hardest thing in the world to understand is NOT women, its income tax
Sharks and children, both can sense fear and weakness.
We cried of bad leaders. We had a chance to make the right decision. Now deal with the consequences.
Does a piece of sh*t know it's a piece of sh*t or does it think it's awesome?
Turning on someone's seat warmer in the car without them knowing is a good way to have them think they're peeing their pants for a minute.
Home is where your neighbors see you walk around with no pants on. 