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It's official! I just bought my first bag of Halloween candy...that will NOT make it to Halloween. 
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a wife, and b) not having a wife.
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
"He's alright when you get to know him" .. Translation:.. "He's a twat, but you'll get used to him"
And then God presented to Moses two antacid tablets, saying, "Thou shalt not eat the spicy Doritos locos taco."
How have Christians not used the "dinosaurs died off because they were all gay" argument yet?
Rihanna and Miley Cyrus could learn a great deal from other female musicians who don’t need to be naked to sell their music like Justin Bieber!
Love you unconditionally? Hmmm, no I have some conditions.
If I don't hear from you at least every 2 hours, I will assume you hate me and the feeling shall be mutual. I can't control my crazy.
Relationship status: I drink to tolerate you.
Yes, I said I love you, but I meant it in the drunk kind of way.
Don't judge my Playboy subscription, You "Fifty Shades of Grey" reading Harlots!
If you shake it more than twice you're advertising.
Dear ladies, We love when you play with our balls and not our minds.
I've never been in relationships. I prefer to call them 'momentary lapses in judgement'.
It's really hard to watch a movie when you're hanging on a tree outside someone's room.
With all this government shutdown, Rage Against The Machine should reunite. Plenty of new material.
the lucky is the only cigarette in the pacK that I get drunk and light backwards
Stared off into space after lunch and accidentally graduated from University of Phoenix with another degree : (
Just ate an entire 180 day supply of gummy vitamins sitting in traffic and now I'm bullet and fireproof. Probably. 