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whatever you say there's bound to be someone who gets offended 
Cartwheels?...... In this economy?
Knock knock.... Who's there?.... Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
If this picture of me running a red light is going to cost me $350, they coulda added a dragon and put it in a pirate ship frame.
Will Obamacare cover my coffee expenses since it is a medical necessity?
What is this, a gambling intervention? Who put you up to this? 10 to 1 it was mom!
I bet fish have a lot of arguments about what's causing the land to lower.
You. Me. Handcuffs. Whipped Cream. NOW!
Statistics show that 50% of people get tattoes solely for the purpose of diverting attention from their ugliness.
100% of the people who got to apply algebra in their lives are now algebra teachers.
A real girlfriend loves & understands you, cares for you, accuses you of things you didn't do & tells you who you should be friends with.
People who say the worst feeling is not knowing whether to wait or move on have clearly never taken a sh*t only to realize there's no toilet paper.
If I'm guilty of anything, it's loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets, outstanding child support payments. But mostly loving too much.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they're tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they're drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
If you use any of these terms, "Hi, Guy"-"My Hubby/Wifey" or "Veggies"...go fark yourself.
Ladies stop worrying about the quickest way to a mans heart and just give him a blow job already.
Calm down white girl, you don't possess the proper rhythm to be twerking.
Let's just ignore each other and see where this takes us.
Just a matter of time till they have an iPhone that recognizes us by our blood alcohol level.
Everybody's talking about IOS 7..What is it?.. I Still Own windows 7 