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Being an alcoholic allows me to use my liquor store's wi-fi anytime I want 
Sorry I confused sexual tension with regular tension and got us both fired.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot”
An anniversary is a day that commemorates or celebrates a past event that occurred on the SAME DATE of the YEAR as the initial event. Some people tend to think 1 month is an anniversary. You're welcome.
The big boss held a staff meeting today. He said "Our employees are this company's most valuable asset!" So he's decided to sell us.
I'm sorry Burger King employee but if you want me to support you making $15 an hour, you 1st have to prove to me you can grasp the concept of "NO PICKLES"!!! We'll work on that jacked up attitude later...
We were so poor when I was a kid, the only reason our house stood was because the termites were holding hands!!
Dear "New FM102", you've been "new" for 4 years now. Stop.
I'm such a nice guy, I signed my ex-wife up for one of those free bi-polar studies.
First they came for the communists and I didn't speak out. Since then everything's been pretty good, plus no communists!
So I'm at antiques roadshow getting competitive and sweaty, letting everyone in line cut in front of me so my stuff will be older when I get to the front.
It's 2013 and I'm pretty disappointed that scientists have yet to introduce bbq or cool ranch alternatives to our plain salt-flavored tears
"40 is the new 20!" - math teacher who's about to be fired
Time moves forward, things change. It can be hard. On the upside, there'll be way less dudes wearing the jacket from Drive this Halloween.
As a fan of hard sci-fi, I did not enjoy "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"
You know why nobody has gotten a GPS location on Obamas cell phone to take him out. Because he has several million citizens under his plan so you'd miss every time. . .
Maybe Mother Nature wants to be a dirty girl!
Wow......this is turning out to be the best year Mark Sanchez has ever had in the NFL
I am 50 years old and I still have the same body I had when I was 21! the only thing wrong with it is,it could probably do with a good iron.
If Cheetos made beer, I'd drink that $hit!! 