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It seems like everyone is in a relationship or in love and I'm just here like, “I like that tree. That's a nice tree.” 
thats what I like the most about you..the way you constantly enter and exit my life..
Having just watched Kim Kardashian in Tyler Perry’s Temptations, I have come to the conclusion that her sex tape is the closest she should have been allowed to acting. Damn you Tyler Perry.
I'm not saying my eyesight is getting worse but yesterday in the car I spent 15minutes letting an echidna cross the road......then I realized it was a pine cone!
A man’s best friend: Guy who drinks with him. A woman’s best friend: Woman she hates when she leaves the room.
Don't let your enemy use your energy against you.
My girlfriend fell out of the bed naked last night...Does the 5 second rule still apply?
hoping no kids wish me a happy father's day today.
What you feed your mind determines your appetite.
For any fool complaining against foreign intervention in Syria, it's a bit too late. Iran and "Hezbollah" have been in Syria since the beginning of this conflict.
Although the U.S. attack on Syria sounds like good news, we can't be fooled by it. When did the U.S. attack a country just to free it?
Liverpool top of the league. Russia and US on a war footing. New Paul McCartney single. What is this, 1989?
"safe days" is a ploy by women to trap men with pregnancies. everyone knows women cant do maths
I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful. "Sir, those are Band-Aids." Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.
pallbearers help us crowd surf into the afterlife
If you open Internet Explorer and listen carefully, you can hear the computer whisper “Kill me now, please!!.”
Go to church dressed as a superhero. They believe in the existence of a magical guy in the sky so your Superman outfit will fit right in.
Someday I want to run through a field of marijuana.
It's Nursing home in Africa hot outside.
I don't objectify women but I do womanify objects. Namely this sexy ass toaster over here. Hey, girl. 