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I don't need alcohol to have a good time. I need it to make sure I don't have a bad time... 
When religious people judge you for not being religious. Pretty sure your religion says your not supposed to judge other people. Talk about being hypocritical.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense
So the cop was like 'say the alphabet backwards',, So I said 'the alphabet backwards',, Then we laughed and laughed............ Send bail money
My tupperware order has shipped,, and in 2-3 business days I finally won't have to contain my excitement.............WAIT !,, Or will I?
Does the 5 Second Rule apply to bass drops?
My wife says I treat her like a child. ha kids these days
If the U.S. decides to strike Syria because they used chemical weapons on their own people, I suggest we launch a few Patriot missles on Monsanto for doing the same thing to us.
If you don't want me to bring party hats and confetti, don't include the word 'party' in "Search Party."
Labor Day weekend: Three fun-filled days followed by progressively worsening weather and darkness at 3:30pm.
Anyone knows how taco shells make it through days on a shelf of a warehouse without breaking, but as soon as it ends up on my plate with some meat in it, it falls apart into pieces? (-__-)
"We're so in Love." - People that I hope get hit by a bus.
My Syria plan: Give weapons to both sides. Let them annihilate each other. Smoke a cigar with Benjamin Netanyahu....
long range weather forcast for Damascus, Steel rains gonna fall
Okay so you wake up to a naked Mickey Rourke in your bed....what mixture or drugs and alcohol do you take to kill yourself?
It's funny how many streets are named for the kind of trees chopped down to pave them.
When will one of our Allies step in and help us out ? Obama has done more damage here than any weapon of mass destruction ever could have !!
That one ex you don't want the world to know you dated.
So let me ask you guys... I don't hear anything about Farmville these days. Did you guys sellout to Monsanto?
Redneck word of the day: MORON. Usage: "Hey ma, Miley has moron her plate than me!" 