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I've spent 50% of my life learning how to live without sex and alcohol and the other 50% happy. 
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can then stick him with a crippling amount of fishing school loans
How much for this stat us? Sir, it was on here yesterday. I must have it!
Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn't wave back so now she's got a new album coming out tomorrow.
Fall is fast approaching. Time to sew all my jean legs back on.
It's hilarious when textbooks try too hard at being racially diverse. "Brad, Latisha, Pablo and Kwan were doing a math problem..."
Gas stations should have happy hour
Never leave something good to find something better, because once you realize you had the best, the best has found better.
would you say I have anger issues if everytime the "Wendy's girl" comes on tv I wanna rip my tv off the wall and throw it out on my front lawn and then set fire to it?
If you love someone let them go, if they come back..... YOU leave, so that the "bleep" knows what it feels like. :)
My morals are questionable??
I may not have abs of steel, but I have overheard a lot of people whispering about my "rock bottom".
WOOOO HOOOOO!! The idiots down at the dog park just let me have all this dog s hit FOR FREE!
My boss told me that if I can't show up sober then don't bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
would you say I have anger issues if everytime the "Wendy's girl" comes on I have this urge to rip my tv off the wall and throw it out the window and then run outside and set it on fire?
Hey guy driving the speed limit with your hands at 10 & 2, can I have some of that weed you're transporting?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
Ladies; Somewhere there's some weirdo rubbing his stinky nuts on your selfies.
Screw foreplay. I start sex the way a SWAT team kicks down a door. 