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Hey erectile dysfunction pill maker, at my age, I am really not up for 4 hours of anything...do you have something in the 20 minute range? 
Don't worry, you'll never be lazier than the guy who named the washer and dryer.
George Washington was so ugly that someone said "maybe his monument should be a huge pole instead of his face" and everyone was like "yeah."
I made a toasted cheese sandwich... I may have accidentally included the plastic cheese wrapper... I may be afraid to poop for a while
Next thing we know, Detroit is going to be asking for an EBT card,,, then it's just a slippery slope to standing outside of Home Depot.
It probably won't work out between us if you won't even play dead after I stab you with my Wolverine breadstick claws at Olive Garden.
If there's something strange in the neighborhood, who you gonna call? Rachel Jintel!!
Actually, it's either: "DRIVING" or "RIDING" six white horses. Who's the dumb@$$ now?
How much of this Lucky Charms cereal do I have to eat before I get lucky tonight? Currently on box 37.....
Wonders why there are so many people with cranial rectal inversion ?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I just tried to find something in my wife's purse. I think I hit the wrong combination of buttons and now the sky is turning black...
I went into Home Depot and asked one of the associates if he thought that these pruning shears would cut through bone. You should have seen the look on his face.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China..
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
George Zimmerman should change his name to Ben Ghazi, then the White house and media will never mention him again
Saw a woman pushing a stroller wearing a T-shirt that read 'I hate men', but the kid looks just like her! I don't understand!
Put your hands up for Detroit.....and beg for money!
It's wierd paying taxes as a stoner knowing that a portion will be used trying to incarcerate yourself.
I've had a long day. The last thing I need is brown lettuce in my salad 