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Went out and mercifully shot my tomato plants this morning. It was the right thing to do. They were so sick and the government wouldn't help me because I am not legally a farmer....the one died right away, but the second took two bullets. 
I just listened to the song "She'll be coming around the Mountain" and you know what, if "She'll be riding six white horses when she comes", she's probably more woman than most of us can handle
Karen on Facebook says… "It's sooo hot! Not sure I'll survive the day!" It's only summer, Karen. It's not like you just landed on Mercury.
There's nothing worse than finding out someone you hate has the same taste in music as you.
how would you like your steak sir? we've got rare, ultra rare, legendary, fossil, or you can try and catch your own steak in the safari zone
I find it funny. If you find it offensive, that’s why I’m happier than you.
Don’t let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.
Golf - Because even douchebags need fresh air too.
Mother caught me jerkin it when I was 13. She asked my dad when would I stop: He told her she'd have to ask someone older than him.
If my boss didn't want me coming to work drunk then why did he ask me to work on Saturday morning.
Arguing with women is like wiping your ass with a wagon wheel. The sh*t keeps coming back around.
With women, you can either be happy, or you can be right. Never both.
People don't hate you because you're beautiful. They hate you because being beautiful made you a stuck up b*tch.
It's "DRIVING" six white horses, dumbass.
Michael J. Fox's new television show is getting some real shakey reviews
Foreplay was designed by woman to give us one last chance to decide if you're actually worth sleeping with.
Does buying her a pair of shoes count as foreplay?
Foreplay? I thought that's what the wine was for.
****Drum roll please****I am glad to announce that today I became a 1 gallon blood donor. Hold your applause because it was not by choice...a mega-swarm of mosquitoes forcibly removed that gallon of blood from me when I accidently wondered int
I am tired of hearing: is it hot enough for you. No really it's not.. can you hold an acetylene torch to my face please, Thanks, at this point I want to smell my flesh burning. . . 