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Pets are so easy to love. They are honest and react to kindness without wanting to know what's in your bank. Humans could take a lesson. 
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
It's not an eating disorder if you're just trying to fit into your 300 dollar jeans, it's a financial obligation.
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don't run.
Friday night: 7pm. The annual Peter pulling contest will be at St. Taffy's. Everyone welcome.
If stalking was considered a romantic gesture I'd probably be married by now.
Sometimes you gotta travel downhill a bit to find the best place to build a solid foundation for the future.
Pepper spray and a restraining order just takes all of the romance out of the relationship.
I hate exercising. I've decided that if I were meant to bend and touch my toes, I would have been born with boobs on my feet.
If I'm guilty of anything it's loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.
I'm not saying this insomnia is screwing me up, but I just waited 2 minutes for this stop sign to turn green.
Mary had a little lamb. Then Mary saw a lamb chop recipe on Pinterest. Now Mary has a full stomach.
In love, you either win someone's heart or lose your liver... !
True love is giving your significant other a sip from your beer glass... a real f*cking small sip though... !
On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said "When are you due?" This is why we are here...
I always carry around a magnet in my pocket so I can find all the girls with clit rings easier.
Whenever I feel hungry, I just log onto Facebook and like everyone's food pictures until I feel full.
If Axel Rose don't say, "Down on your sha, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, knees." before getting a BJ... then he's not as cool as I thought he was.
Let's face it... Seeing a cameltoe in leapord print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on a safari... 