Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Ladies; If the first date is going really well you should probably bring up marriage so he knows you're serious about him.

   i'll join the revolution after I see what the cops do to the 1st 10,000

   "F hash tags and retweets, 140 characters in these streets"

   I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."

   The only kind of Candy Crush I do is with my teeth.

   I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry.

   Unless I missed an international news story, the TV show "Finding Bigfoot" should probably be called "Not Finding Bigfoot"

   If you're feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.

   I'd love to give whoever designed the iPhone 5 a car that refills quickly at the pump but only goes 10 miles before needing another refill

   The two hot teen lesbians next door gave me a timex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch!"

   I'm sweating worse than Patrick Ewing

   I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.

   I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.

   Only a few things Reeses cups will not fix!

   my family has Irish Alzheimers.........we forget everything except for the grudge

   I hate vacationing with my wife because I never have enough privacy to jack off...

   I'm only 30 lbs away from my New Year's resolution to lose 20 lbs!!

   I'm going to start a new trend... Work tailgating. I'll be in the parking lot at 5am every day drinking and grilling. I hope it catches on...

   Men and women have different ways of cleaning a toilet. Women use bleach and rinse twice.We man just pee on the poop stains as hard as we can..

   How about lets move on from the Zimmerman case already?