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Sharknado enough said! 
Only people who buy Corvettes are 40 year olds fearing mid life and his wifes social disabilities. Buy a real car.
Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will be starring on everyone's TV sets very soon
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. Just great. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered.
Just because shes your girlfriend doesn't mean she isn't someone else's ho.
imagine Alicia Keys complaining in the grocery store, " THIS MILK IS EXPIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRREEEEEEDD"
if my girl cheat on me she better cheat with 6 strong guys that can carry her casket
Beer is good. Beers are better.
why arent orphans good at baseball? They don't know where home is.
Pool party at my house, Bring your own pools.
For a change I'd like to meet someone who could be my potential soulmate and who is not halfway across the world.
The worst feeling in the world is being in love with somebody that knows how to untie rope and run away while you're napping.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
Someone disappointing you just allows you to free up space in your heart for others who won't.
I got 66 problems coz my life is upside down!
A man was arrested having weed growing in his backyard today. He claims the evidence was planted.
Taking relationship advice from people on Facebook is like asking a blind person for directions. If these people had perfect relationships, they wouldn’t even be on Facebook half the time.
Date someone with poor taste in music. So that when she breaks your heart you don’t have to give up your music because it reminds you of her
Ladies; Don’t turn off the lights when having sex or he will be thinking of someone else the whole time. 