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Sometimes I think people are not sacrificing everything to make me happy and I don't like it. 
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
If the first thing you see after you die is a handbasket, check your undershorts for kerosene.
If you don't back up and pin the doctor the wall when he sticks his finger in, it's not a prostate exam.
I'm searching flights online and I cant find a one way ticket to Poundtown.
If money grew on tree's, some girls I know would date monkeys !
Life is a race...too bad I'm fat.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you're just grateful they're not yours.
I gave "Jesus" a compliment once. He thanked me three days later. Jerk.
He said: I'd like to get into your pants. She said: No thanks, one a$$hole in here is enough.
I'd like to dedicate my farts to those people that drive slow but then speed up when you try and overtake them.
Can I just date your mouth?
Pretty sure birds wake up and spend 2 hours asking each other where the Sun is.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half nekked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
if you are feelimg sad and confused just remember that for milions of years, bird were the closest thimg we had to astronauts.
Scientists don't know why bees are disappearing, like if you keep stealing a dude's honey he's gonna be cool with it and stick around.
Patriot, AR-15, Liberty, Taliban, Gun Rights, Tea Party, Terrorist, Religious Freedom. Oh, never mind me. I'm just stirring the pot with the NSA for when they monitor my Facebook account.
If you reach your hand into a woman's purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you're looking for.
Smokey: No sugar? Damn. Y'all ain't never got two things that match. Either y'all got Kool-aid, no sugar. Peanut butter, no jelly. Ham, no burger. Daaamn. 