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Let's be honest. The only reason I listen to my voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear. 
When you can't be a good example, at least serve as a horrible warning.
I can imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters?
When you can't be a good example, at least serve as a horrible warning
My wife worked my ass off today. It's still laying out in the yard somewhere.
If there is a hand on each shoulder, it's not a prostate exam.
I wish I had Caesar Milan to correct me whenever I drive up to KFC
Long Island Iced Tea drinks should be called "Learn to Plank in one evening."
She's not my girl but I get her to smile
In real world, most of people on Facebook, Internet and twitter would be in prison.
If I live to be 100, I'm going to make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... like I copied and pasted the same staus every single day.
Seriously! Just watched a deer look both ways before crossing a road. Isolated incident or beginning of a much welcomed change in behavior?
going all the way on a first date also known as a "Hole in one"?
It only two dangling thingys and I still dont know which one to pull....-ceiling fans all over the world!
I was walking through the cemetery and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning!" He said, "No. Taking a $hit."
My goal at work today is "I'M HERE AIN'T I?!" Achieved. Now what.
Myspace: Died a couple of years ago. Facebook: In the hospital. Twitter: At the strip club throwing ones at the big booty hoes.
I love bourbon and bourbon loves me. It's the most functional relationship I ever had in my life.
To the two former Facebook "Friends" who just un-friended me: It was the status about throwing kittens in the lake right? They all had life jackets on..... They are safe & now drying in my microwave.
Every time I hear Sam Elliott narrating a commercial, the only thing I hear my head is "Don't eat the big white mint" 