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Honor America by dying from complications of type 2 diabetes. 
I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie would adopt me....
I'm poor, but not "vote for Obama" poor.
Today we celebrate freedom...while the government monitors us.
The only time most people come clean is in the shower.
Don’t be selfish by asking god to find you a soul mate. God has bigger fish to fry, like cure diseases and save lives.
Lady, you were funny and interesting up about until that time you started talking about your boyfriend.
Sometimes when drunk I sleep in a ditch. Doesn’t make me love my bed any less. Actually makes me love it more. See? Cheating isn’t evil.
Satan must be boring. There are other ways of making people suffer other than setting them on fire, making them listen to Justin Bieber is a start.
Dogs have it so easy, they don’t go through the tedious process of three dates, they just have to smell each others asses.
If you think sleeping with your girlfriend’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes.
I like cooking babies and lots of other stuff. I also hate punctuation.
So this girl was like, “I wanna have your children” and I was like, “okay, but you’ll have to ask their mom first.”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been damn hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea and you’re here watching sheep.”
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
Jesus Christ. I'm as high as whoever wrote the Bible.
I've got problems and you're several of them.....
The only time you'll ever catch me poppin a molly is when that b1tch is talkin sh1t. #powrightinthekisser
Insomnia was a much more lonelier and sadder place before FB. Now I just can't wait to sleep 2 hours and have a miserable day.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me. 