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The most difficult part of growing older is learning to become your own best friend. 
If you're a man and in a relationship with a woman, life can get very confusing approximately every 28 days.
If I ever caught a robber in my house looking for money, I'd start laughing and start searching with him.
Show me a woman who doesn't gossip and I will show you a blind man.
I came into this world covered in someone else's blood and screaming. I'm not afraid to leave it that way too.
One time my dad yelled "who let the dogs out," but the only music we heard was Buddy getting hit by a car
There is no better feeling on this good, green earth than having exact change.
We're no strangers to love, you know the rules, and so do I....Yep, you just sang it, out loud, and realized that you have been RickRolled \m/
Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of the Oklahoma tornados. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.
Schwarzenegger is making yet another Terminator film. I'm not saying he's old, but this time Sarah Connor will be played by Angela Lansbury.
hmm I think i'll have a small snack *eats an apple, a packet of cookies, a small couch, the whole living room, a saudi arabian family of 4*
For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.
I don't have an entitlement problem. I have a problem with not getting everything I want out of life.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore?
If only these walls could talk -- then I wouldn't be drinking all by myself.
Don't think of it as 5-day-old pizza you found in the fridge, think of it as...pizza jerky.
I love how some of you judge the people that are shopping at Wal-Mart while shopping at Wal- Mart.
Sex without head is like a sandwich without bread
You play your Candy Crush. I'll play with myself.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left? 