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I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend. Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park. 
This is a pretty shítty flash mob. It's in my living room, only my family showed up, and they're just telling me to stop drinking.
COCAINE IS NATURE'S CAPS LOCK
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I've already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I'm gonna "come on down" whether they call my fuckíng name or not.
Facebook - The one place, where you can pretend to have a lot of friends
Don't call yourself a pitbull and then act like a gay chihuahua.
I miss you. The old you. The new you sucks!
Never allow yourself to be used by anyone as a weapon against their enemies. You are not an object, you are a human being for god sake.
If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours to keep.... If it doesn't, you drove far enough.
I'm late for work again! This time my dog ate my car.
Who thinks Bobby Brown knew what he was singing about in “My Prerogative”?
If I like you, I will make fun of you. If I don't like you, I will also make fun of you. You just won't know.
I stay drunk because it costs so much to start from sober.
The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
If I didn't drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Today I feel like hitting free like to everyone post. Common everyone post something!!! This offer is about to end soon
Garbage men are the least respected civil servants. They work just as hard as firemen and cops, but no one ever calls them heroes. Probably because they smell like used tampons and old Chinese food.
I may not remember a face or a name BUT I never forget an ass.
If your ass had a twitter account I'd follow it. 