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How do you know if someone went to Harvard? They tell you. 
I'd trade my heart for a liver. Less love and more alcohol.
Sometimes when I have a heavy lunch, the only thing I keep thinking after it is "I hope I digest the food before dinner time".
Ladies; Stop wearing weaves, lice deserve to live in their natural habitat!
Dating Tip: If she hasn't kissed you by the third date, she's there for the food.
In the animal kingdom, males often have to fight for the right to mate. It's a case of 'brawls before hoes'.
I wish people would stop phoning while I'm ironing. I keep burning my face.
Can't decide if I should start drinking now, or wait until one of you pisses me off. Now it is.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
If your phone didn't get a text, it was me
The problem with the general public is that it's made of people.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.
uncross you legs...you're bending my glasses
When I turned 40,,, the fast Super Mario music started playing.
I celebrate payday by pouring Gatorade on my bank teller.
Men have Sports Center, women have Steel Magnolias.... this is why we should just have sex and not try the "talking" thing.
It's almost July 4th, the day we fought back against the aliens.
how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat ?
Dear naps, I'm sorry I was a jerk to you in kindergarten
If a bear attacks you, play dead........ Ok good, you're about to feel like this forever 