Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you're worried about peeing on your necktie, then the answer is yes,,, you've tied it wrong.

   A group of lions is called a pride. A group of turtles is called a bale. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment

   Crocodiles are just lizards who joined a gym

   I'm announcing this morning I'm cutting all ties with Paul Deen....no more BUTTER!

   If you're in a committed relationship and you have no intentions of marrying that person, then you're wasting both of our time.

   A woman saying "I'm about to cum" is another way of saying "Unless you handle the next minute like a round of Jenga, I'll stab you!!"

   That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.

   I can't wait until everyone is on board with gay marriage so we can move on to marrying our phones.

   Does running out of money count as exercise?

   You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.

   Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

   Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?

   GIRLFRIEND: Have you ever been with a fat chick? ME: Nope, you're the first one. GIRLFRIEND: What?

   Women love compliments. Unless it’s about her hairy chest or her moustache. Then you’ll get hit in the face with a handbag.

   black jesus is here, time for change! ~ south africans

   Unless your baby rolled a blunt, please don’t bore me telling me about how he did the cutest thing.

   Everyone else's plans for pretty weekends: "I'm going to the lake" "I'm hanging at the pool" "We're going to the park for a picnic" And I'm just over here like "I'm gonna eat a waffle."

   burger king just launched in S.A. ~ Obama is here just to make sure all the american franchises and wallmart are doing well.

   If you can't handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart then you don't deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

   I'm so single my p 0rn is in a folder called p 0rn.