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With the right person, every inappropriate thing becomes appropriate. 
I've just heard the tragic news about Taylor Swift. My heart is broken for her and her family. Sending them all my thoughts and prayers. She hasn't died, she's just making more music.
Lawyer: "You've been released!" Aaron Hernandez: "Great, so I can go home?" Lawyer: "Shìt, sorry. I mean you've been released by the Pats."
I bet Aaron Hernandez is pretty pumped he can legally marry his cell mate.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.
If your Facebook picture is a car or your kids I automatically assume you're fat.
The next couple of years are going to rock for wedding crashing!
When I see someone texting and walking, I sometimes purposely vier over and bump into them.
So let me get this straight (pun intended), I have to travel to California to marry Ryan Gosling?!
I just found a whisker in my general tso chicken
Today I had to ask myself "What would Jesus do?" because he just got deported and I have no idea how to cut my own lawn.
My liver is so black from all this smoking that it talks during the entire movie.
I'm an inventor. I invent all kinds of sh*t. But some people call it lying...
In other news, Paula Deen has come forward with the statement in regards to the DI heard Paula Deen said she's "real excited for the fags, especially the colored ones."DOMA ruling: "real excited for the fags, especially the colored ones."
Edward Snowden: Provides evidence that the government is spying on us......Government charges him for spying...
After losing Gronkowski to injury and Hernandez for murder, I heard Tom Brady is ecstatic that Tim Tebow will be handling the duty of "tight end" next season. ツ
Men are from Mars,, Women are from Venus,, Then gays are definely from ???
I miss those days when sex was safe and sports cars were dangerous.
Breaking News: George Lucas marries longtime girlfriend... Finds out later she is his sister.
Aaron Hernandez will go to prison as tight-end and come out as a wide-receiver. 