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I'm so good at passwords that even I can't log into my stuff. 
It feels like the time of the day when I have a trough of cinnamon toast crunch.
Why does the dryer even need a "more dry" setting. Who wants their clothes only kinda dry?
Shredded wheat is OK for breakfast if you like to eat lightly sweetened scarecrows.
Yes, lady, you are cute, but not 5000 photos on facebook cute.
Little known fact... Any uneaten Little Caesars pizza turns back into cardboard after 30 minutes.
The adult me is just the child me with severe lower back pain....
Locks of love should just visit my shower.
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
Remember: A butt dial and a booty call are two entirely different things.
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed.
I bet if you're a firefly, it must be really hard to get to sleep at night with all that random flashing.
Aunt Jemima or Paula Deen?
the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth
Relationships these days are like birthdays; once the cake is eaten, the party's over!
Its exhausting trying to look busy at work all the time.
Can't sleep. I'm too thinky and not enough sleepy..
I signed up for the peace corps, but it sucks. Their definition of missionary is a lot different from what I thought when I told them on the application that is what I was interested in.
Hey, young parents,,, When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I do 50 sit-ups between each glass of wine so don't question my commitment to exercise. 