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I wish I was R Kelly, there are a lot of people I need to pee on. 
Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to 'let me go or I will call the police'.
What doesn't kill you was only practicing.
I was fired from my job for going the extra mile. Being a tour guide is hard!
No need to make faces in pics. You're ugly enough as it is.
I heard that women like it when you check up on them. So I installed CCTV in the kitchen.
I hit the gym pretty hard this morning..... I really need to stop drinking and driving.
Let's have phone sex and you can hang up on me before I'm done to keep it realistic
It's disappointing that even in this golden age of gender equality the number of female kidnappers remains appallingly low.
Instagram videos beacuse we wanna know if you are paying for the food you instagram.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from google know it's urgent.
The day grenades stop exploding, i'll make it a point to catch one for you.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women's restroom.
If you love something let it go, and if its doing better than you, try and ruin its life.
mom, dad. I like my women how I like my coffee "you dont like coffee son" dad i- "why dont you like coffee?" dad youre making this difficult
So Blue Ivy got the stripper name, and North West got the direction to the strip club? Nice, team work.
I be talking fast as hell at the gas station when I'm broke . . . lemmeget5on2
If you're buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I'm sorry to tell you it's not working
Blind people would be a lot more exciting if they carried around swords.
Me Monday ƪ(´~`")∫ Tuesday (-____-)"" Wednesday (⌣́_⌣̀) Thursday Ҩ( > ̯ < )Ҩ Friday (ˆ⌣ˆ)ง Saturday ~('▽'~) (~'▽')~ Sunday (˘ʃ_ƪ˘) 