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Don't choose someone if they have to think twice about choosing you. 
I love rude waiters/waitresses...I don't have to be GUILTY for not tipping them. I only had money for the food anyway
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a strangers leg you can hear them say, "WTF are you doing?"
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by Vegetarians. Stop the violence. Eat Bacon!
People, sharing some company's photo to "win" something is a scam. Just like nigerian lotteries, social security and obamacare...
So we gain a Kardashian but lose Tony Soprano ? Lifes exchange rate just took a dip ....
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
Just heard that Justin Bieber is planning his next release. Sources say it's going to be on some dude's back.
Trending right now on Yahoo - 1. Kate Upton 2. Gisele Bundchen 3. Vanessa Hudgens 4. Wrist Injuries
The bags under my eyes are Prada.
"It's okay." - Women, right before they spend 5hrs telling you why it isn't ok.
We all spend our lives tiptoeing around trying not to say the wrong thing or offend anyone. So, I’ll be damned if I’m gonna do that h ere.
VODKA: the boredom killer.
People who still have their popcorn when movies starts: your self-control disgusts me and I'll never party with you jerks.
They key to not crying when cutting an onion is severing your emotional bond with it beforehand.
My phone display is brighter than my future. :(
Ladies; Don't build walls around your heart... men will pee on them.
I always start my day off with SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
Son, we're Irish,,,,,, So technically every one of your ribs is a McRib
Maybe Aaron Hernandez killed Tony Soprano? 