Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Ben Bernanke has a wanke and the whole world smiles!

   Does your family have a history of stupidity or is it just you?

   The amount of times I've tried to stick my key in other people's locks just to see if it fits is probably the reason I wasn't given a d*ck

   I like to welcome visitors to my home with a warm, and sincere 'Goodbye'.

   "I hate Tacos!" Said no Juan ever

   You know you don't have to show your breasts on the Internet, sometimes leaving something to the imagination is just as sexy.

   I'm a pretty good person when you never get to know me.

   Calling out your ex's name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won't forget them after you break up.

   If marriage doesn't involve daily sex and the occasional fort building then I want no part of it.

   I want to do a post about a pirate dating site called e-Yarrrmony,,, but the process is too arrrduous

   If you were cyberbullied by me or my gang on the wii tennis forums,,,, I apologize. I have grown a lot since then.

   You get a dozen chances to make a first impression when you're dealing with a pothead.

   Now that's he's fired, in about six months I can say to that Men's Wearhouse guy: "You're NOT going to like the way you look. I guarantee it."

   I'd play Monopoly but I am afraid of the commitment...

   Thanks to Hollywood any Italian person dying will always first be suspicious.

   I wish karma would send me email notifications.

   Rip: Slim Whitman

   I'm on day 4 of no carbs and I see the difference already. 4 days ago I was fat & happy but now I'm fat and I wish I was dead

   Apparently, only God can whack Tony Soprano.

   My wife calls me The Margarita because after a long day, I can hit the spot!