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I'm here to kick ass and mispronounce names. 
have you ever stood in front of the mirror and said to yourself "who the hell is this person? and then suddenly realize you're standing in front of a coffee shop window staring at a cop...
"We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight around here." - Corporate ants.
what if aliens have already invaded and once they take over your body, they force you to take pictures of yourself doing the duckface and post in on Facebook...
Religion is like tequila; relatively harmless, but excessive quantities will make you do stupid things.
"Bailiff! Why is this evidence covered in chocolate pudding?" Because, your honor, *smiles* The proof is in the- "Get out of my courtroom."
You call it "stalking"... I call it "giving you the attention you deserve"...
Girls that text "kk" instead of "ok" are only like 3 bananas away from burning a cross in somebody's front yard
Remember: 'Stressed' is just 'Desserts' spelt backwards.
Ladies... If your going to post "Selfie" pics from the bathroom... Can't you atleast make sure the toliet is not in the picture...
The NSA says it stopped a Wall Street attack, just not the ginormous ones the bankers perpetrated.
Of all the people that ignore me... you're my favorite.
Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I'm trying to update my e-harmony profile
Thinking of going back to MySpace, pretty sure the even the NSA does not follow anyone over there
Sometimes we spend too much time thinking about someone who doesn’t even think of us for a second.
Someone accused me of stealing his status that I stole from someone else... awkward!
I bet Jay Leno is amazing at putting on pillow cases & folding blankets.
Running into your therapist at the liquor store is therapeutic.
Someone should really tell cab drivers not to Stink & Drive.
The monsters under my bed are afraid of MY dark. 