Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Dilemma: The person next to you needs the heimlich maneuver but you have an erection 
God talked to J ews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.
Guarantee yourself a great day, by leaving me the hell alone.
If you have a crime in mind, today's the day to do it...Happy national donut day!
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person's life takes serious commitment.
She divorced you because you didnde F**k her hard enough
here's to the guys who see the girl of their dreams go after the wrong type of guys
TO THE GOVERNMENT AGENTS WHO'VE BEEN ILLEGALLY MONITORING OUR TEXTS, ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THIS: Was that message I sent Ashley too forward?
If you watch the Godfather backwards it's about a bunch of guys that come back from the dead and then go to a wedding
Hey Obama … I just took a leak, but I didn't have my phone with me. Thought you'd like to know.
"I want you to come inside me." - Buildings
Being single sucks when you know exactly who you want.
When you mess up a guy’s hair, he thinks it’s cute, but when you mess up a girl’s hair, just hope you’re wearing something bulletproof.
Marriage is like a public toilet.Those waiting outside are desperate to get in.Those inside are desperate to get out
Remember Hey Arnold? Rugrats? CatDog? Rocket Power? Kenan & Kel? The Amanda Show?… When Nickelodeon made sense.
The only reason my heart appears cold and black is because I have my real heart locked in an indestrucible black heart shaped box and cryogenically frozen to prevent further damage.
Mirror: “You look cute today”. Camera: “Lol, no”. Instagram filters: “I got chu”
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you
at work, we call the boss Blister because he doesn't show until after the work's done...
"I'd hit that" - Asians driving 