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Your ex will leave you, talk bad about you, act like they never knew you, miss you, hit you up and wonder why you don't reply... F*CK YOU 
I hate when I'm admiring my good looks from a car's window reflection and the people inside think I'm staring at them.
No, you idiot! I said 'avert' your eyes, not 'invert' them. Wow, that's disgusting!
If you don't have a watch,, The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.
my wife has spent all day arguing that she isn't stubborn...
Why do some people feel they have speak for God and make excuses for him? Like they are his official spokesperson. Why can't he speak for himself?
*Phone on silent*. 10 missed calls. *Turns volume to loudest*. Nobody calls all day.
I wish my grade school teachers could see how much better I've gotten at hardcore spacing out.
She walked into the bar like she owned the place. She was like, very concerned with potential health and fire code violations. It was weird
Amanda Bynes is the new Linsay Lohan.
every morning I tell myself this is all a dream, amanda bynes is normal and destiny's child is still together
Please promise me that you will kill me if I ever get Amanda Bynes crazy.
Objects in butt hole feel bigger than they appear.
When I was a kid my nightmares usually involved me going to school in my underwear. Now, they involve me going to the bathroom with out my phone.
I would like to know exactly what makes the topless protesters mad enough to protest topless so we can do more of it.
Are you worried your not getting any phone calls? #1 Place cell Phone on silent. #2 Wait about 1 hour you should get at least 10 missed calls. #3 For the heck of it now turn volume to loudest
I was driving the other day and I didn't stop at a stop sign, A police car pulled me over and a police man got out and asked "Did you see that stop sign?" Apparently I shouldn't have said "Yeah, but I didn't see you."
Nothing like seeing 30+ year old wearing a cap backwards to remind you that your life doesn’t suck that much.
If you don’t go down on your girl. Stop being worried if she’s cheating on you or not. She is.
When a woman says she’s speechless, free up 8 hours in your day because she’s about to say a lot. 