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My favorite food is knowledge. Unless I’ve been drinking, then it’s p ussy. 
Woman is a question too difficult for men.
I'm no scientist, but harnessing the power of teen girls talking would probably solve all the world's energy woes.
Got roses from a vegan. Not sure if they are supposed to be a snack or a decoration. Anyway, they're pretty. Maybe I'll eat just one.
Home is where the alcohol is.
Let me win your love so I can earn your hatred.
You women are beautiful creatures I love you all , but by god you scare the sh*t out of me with the way you feed on souls and happiness.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
There's no I in 'meat' but there's ME & EAT....I don't know how vegetarians get past that. Time to BbQ.
Art Gunfunkel is short for Arthur Garfunkel, and Paul Simon is short for a man.
I love you all and I am so glad I found you. (me talking to a bag of peanut M & M's I forgot I had
I swear some girls with big asses think they can get away with murder. You have a huge bass because your face is a car wreck, please behave yourself
PRO TIP: You can cure most cat allergies,, by putting just a little antifreeze in their water.
I'm about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
Just when I thought I couldn't hate squirrels any more,,, one just ran past me wearing socks w/ sandals.
Goodbye Memorial Day weekend. Like a fifth of Vodka and a handful of prescription painkillers you made Monday more bearable......
Just saw Fast 6....watching the heroes downshift their auto stick in anger was just disappointing.
It wasn’t until I tasted the chewy monkey bits through the chocolate & peanut butter,, that I realized I accidentally bought Rhesus Pieces.
When I start to feel confident,, I remember how I've played entire games of Mario Kart watching the wrong screen..
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport. 