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When you write misspelled backwards it's misspelled. 
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I'm here to 'like' them.
As I get older I spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter. Every time I enter a room, I have to stop and say, "Now what am I here after?"
"good goin' there einstein" "yeah way to go, einstein!" "nice move, einstein!" - the Einstein family reunion annual softball game
When you watch Jersey Shore, Darwin cries.
Why is it that the very people who are against abortion, pornography, and homosexuality are the very same people you wouldn't want to have sex with in the first place?
Misplaced my smart car. Thought I left it on the counter... And yes, I checked in the couch cushions already
A Scout is: Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, Reverent... and FABULOUS!!!
I honestly believe the reason I get such a dark tan in the Summer is because I spent so many years working on a Suntan Oil Rig.
you are so beautiful that when we are out, people assume I'm dying and you must be from the Make a Wish Foundation.
Morning showers: you never want to get in, then you never want to get out.
California just released their "Obamacare" insurance rates. They are pretty low, so I'm assuming that the death panels are not included in the basic plan....
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
If work didn't want me spinning right round baby right round like a record baby right round round round then why did they give me a swivel chair?
The hottest club in town is the one with the least amount of Beliebers inside
All I said was Don't spill the bong water. Thanks a lot Amanda guess who's buying me a new Bong Bit€h!
Don't you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It's almost like God came down and highlighted all the important parts.
I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologise to the man at the next urinal.
I don't trust gorgeous women who are broke.
For such an advanced civilization, how the hell have we not found a way to stop cigarettes from making you smell like a dragon’s f art? 