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you know you have a drinking problem if the bartender knows your name.....and you've never even been to that bar before. 
Everyone is always talking about "getting high on Life" but this cereal sucks and it hurts my nose..
Hate to break it to everyone, but A-B-C really wasn't as easy as 1-2-3.
What the hell did we do while waiting at red lights before cell phones?
Just had a call from a guy with a foreign accent call me from "Microsoft"....I told him the only problem I was having was when I booted up the startup screen showed a pic of his Mom and a donkey..............."click"
Some girls drink to get drunk. Some drink to get bi.
Just paid $3 to beat level 79! FML #candycrushproblems
It has come to my attention that certain things have come to my attention. My attention span being as short as it is.........it has come to my attention
Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.
You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no beer. And without beer, I'll kill you all.
I put the "semen" in "amusement park". And that is why I am no longer welcome at Six Flags.
People are like snowflakes. I only like them on Christmas.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
My car was stolen last night..I was going to call the police but then I thought 'nevermind...I'll let him try explain the bodies in the trunk...'
I-knew-you-were trouble when you logged in. So shame on me now-Inviting me to games I-would-never-playyy...Til you pissed me off-Ohh!! , Ohh!! Trouble, Trouble. I knew you were Blocked when you logged in.
♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ I dont want to wake up, I'm a sleepy head kid. Theres a million things I need to do but I want to sleep in. ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬
i think the secret of walking on water is knowing where the stones are.
When pharmacist gets sick....... Does the doctor give him a taste of his own medicine?
there's a big difference between being handicapped and just f*ucking lazy... 