tomcall Funny Status Messages

   as nervous as a Christian scientist with appendicitis.

   When someone is waiting for you to leave so they can take your parking spot: 1) Pretent to turn key. 2) Exit car. 3) Open hood and look frustrated.

   The other day Pope Benedict named five new saints to the Catholic Church. Some, however, are questioning whether Obama deserved it.

   I remember when vampires were scary, and not some twink with six-pack abs.

   Kobe Bryant played last night for the Lakers against despite flu like symptoms. Apparently neither team was worried about H1N1 - it's Kobe, he never passes anything.

   According to a recent survey, 86 percent of people say that they have at least one annoying coworker. The remaining 14 percent don't realize that they are the annoying coworker.

   Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro is reportedly a huge fan of President Obama and thinks he'd doing a great job. Boy, Obama hasn't had PR this good since the Rev. Wright was campaigning for him. Maybe he can get Gaddafi to say something nice too.

   AOL has announced that they're going to lay off one-third of their employees. On the bright side, it's AOL, so they're going to do it slowly and with frequent interruptions.

   This Friday, the offical Christmas tree was delivered to the White House. Unfortunately, the Secret Service had already let in three other trees that claimed they were on the list.

   A poll found that 55 percent of shoppers start their Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. The other 45 percent are men.

   Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama's face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a faraway place.

   Recently the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey" passed away at the age of 104. His last words were, "I can't believe that's what it's all about."

   When I have kids, I'll teach them about Krampus. That should prevent "naughtiness." Google it.

   James Cameron's new movie "Avatar" comes out next week. People say it will be as successful as "Titanic". Not the movie. The ship.

   Yesterday, citizens of Norway woke up to a weird blue light in the sky, which the Russian Defense Ministry later claimed was due to a failed missle test. Thank goodness. I was worried it was a UFO. It's nice to know it's just a renegade Russian missle.

   How about those White House crashers? The other day they also crashed the Black Caucus, and if you've seen then, you know that's quite a trick.

   A South Korean woman passed her written driving exam on the 950th try, taking the test every day for four years. She then went to a random typewriter and banged out a Shakespearean play.

   There's a new product called "Texthook" that lets parents strap phones to strollers so they can text while pushing their children. The most common text message is, "OMG, I just crashed my baby into another baby!"

   According to a new poll, 26 percent of unemployed adults blame George W. Bush for the high unemployment rate. The other 74 percent blame the fact that they majored in English literature.

   "Little Women" author Louisa May Alcott was diagnosed with Lupus 119 years after her death. And you thought your HMO was slow.