Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't use hashtags, but if anybody wants one I still have an extra one I got from IKEA... You'll just need to assemble it.. // =

   My Nephew asked me if I knew anything about Galileo .... "Do I" I said, "I know he was a Poor Boy that Nobody loved, from a Poor Family."

   your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...

   People who work at McDonalds act like the sauces come out of their wages, just throw 5 in the bag and behave.

   Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you cant do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here

   If people say you're acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you're totally nailin' it.

   Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person's confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.

   I dont understand why dentists in toothpase advertisements have stethoscope around their neck...

   My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.

   I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough

   The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you

   Black Friday? Don't they already get February?

   Ghetto word of the day: HOTEL. My momma said she ain't gonna tell Shaqueta nothing else cause that hotel every thang she hears.

   Fellas : not a day should go by that your lady doesn't hear she's beautiful .

   We sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm. Thanks to all who served and are still serving our nation.

   Who cares if my grandkids aren't gonna see a polar bear? I didn't see a dinosaur

   going to wear underwear on the outside of his clothes tomorrow to see if people assume he's crazy, or a superhero.

   ...The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

   my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out

   I'm going to change my name to 'Benefits' Now when you add me on Facebook it will say "You are now friends with benefits."