Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My Bank Account probabbly thinks I am Dead 😢
←Rate | 10-16-2018 00:04 Comments (1)  


   messageicon What's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute?
←Rate | 07-29-2020 09:19 by BBB Comments (0)  


   messageicon ‘We both know you need to pee:’ ~the monster under my bed
←Rate | 08-10-2020 08:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
←Rate | 08-24-2020 14:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
←Rate | 08-27-2020 09:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "This ain't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo
←Rate | 08-29-2020 17:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon To the person who invented zero, thanks for nothing.
←Rate | 09-12-2020 07:53 by DaWorb Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me (sobbing): It’s just so unfair. Husband: Do we have to go through this every year? Move the sundresses to the back of the closet and stop being so dramatic.
←Rate | 09-28-2020 09:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kids today with their $50 haircuts. Mom cut our hair & knew two styles: Pete Rose & Charlie Brown.
←Rate | 10-06-2020 08:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
←Rate | 10-06-2020 08:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
←Rate | 10-28-2020 07:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
←Rate | 12-01-2020 08:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
←Rate | 12-03-2020 15:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 16 and pregnant was supposed to scare you hoes not inspire you
←Rate | 12-22-2020 15:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!! Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
←Rate | 12-29-2020 09:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Celebrate Thanksgiving by giving people the bird.
←Rate | 11-12-2018 04:11 by Ha.ha Comments (0)  


   messageicon If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would want to come in Fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
←Rate | 11-12-2018 09:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I know winter has started when my neighbor returns my rake, and borrows my snow shovel .
←Rate | 12-05-2018 14:50 by Joker Comments (0)  


   messageicon I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
←Rate | 12-07-2018 18:12 Comments (1)  


   messageicon My goal weight it to be able to breathe while tying my shoes.
←Rate | 12-22-2018 07:27 Comments (0)  




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