Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies

   Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 136.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.

   What's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute?

   ‘We both know you need to pee:’ ~the monster under my bed

   my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

   My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

   "This ain't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo

   To the person who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

   Me (sobbing): It’s just so unfair. Husband: Do we have to go through this every year? Move the sundresses to the back of the closet and stop being so dramatic.

   Kids today with their $50 haircuts. Mom cut our hair & knew two styles: Pete Rose & Charlie Brown.

   the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

   The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

   Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

   16 and pregnant was supposed to scare you hoes not inspire you

   Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!! Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

   I don't know about you, but I've thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.

   If your child is eating Tide Pods, you failed as a parent.

   Doctor: Do you use any illegal drugs? Me: Depends on the state.