Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I started seeing this girl in my building.But I don't think it's gonna work out, she keeps closing her blinds.

   At my age the only thing that gets TURNED on is MR. Coffee

   The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.

   When I was young I took drugs to blow my mind. Now I take drugs not to lose it.

   Musical Electric Chairs. For death row inmates. Lets make it fun and televise it. . .

   Big moment here: I just finished building that gingerbread house for the holidays.

   World population :7,618,921,693. ­.... Just in case someone starts feeling too important

   My wife and I got one of those board games for couples to spice things up. It quickly turned into a game of Sorry, which led to me playing a game of Uno

   Burned almost a thousand calories with the treadmill today. Moved it into the basement, that sucker is heavy!

   One day you'll just be a memory. So make it a good one.

   Scientist have now cloned monkeys. Next on the Primate ladder before they reach humans- Politicians.

   I hate brushing teeth at night because that signifies that you can't have anymore food and I'm just never ready for that kind of commitment

   They call it a "selfie" because a "narcissitie" is too hard to pronounce

   Her: Just relax and be yourself. Me: No, you're going to have to pick one or the other.

   I may be delusional, but I am facing it realistically

   Insanity is not doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That's called practice.

   How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?

   If you find a snake skin somewhere, it means the snake shed it to grow bigger. Same principle if you find candy wrappers in my trash

   Do dogs in Mexico speak Espaniel?

   We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.