Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can sponsor a child in need for the cost of a cup of coffee. I wanna help, but they really shouldn't be giving coffee to kids.

   Sidenote: You can't hide a booger under a glass table.

   Finish your plate, there are people starving at Victoria's Secret.

   It is Canada Day, so go out and pet a beaver.

   The easiest way to childproof your house is to wear a condom.

   ..... With so many things coming back in style ... I can't wait until Morality, Honesty and Loyalty become the new trend again.

   I'm saving my abstinence for marriage.

   Well tonight's date night for me and the wife I certainly hope we don't run into each other

   Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

   It's a good day to be an avid indoorsman. Just harvested some berries from my fridge and slaughtered a Pop-Tart.

   "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille

   I got a Go Fund Me Account so I can afford Avocado on all my sandwiches

   Rap battles in Canada consist of two people trying to outdo each other with compliments.

   Did you know that babies lose very little weight in jogging strollers.

   If it's the thought that counts, I should probably be in jail.

   Some are mad Bradley Cooper went to DNC after portraying Chris Kyle. I get it, I'm still furious Johnny Depp doesn't travel via pirate ship.

   I also think it's adorable how their putting jokes on the sides of snacks now. .. Like listen to this one, ,,"serving size 3 cookies "

   I'm beginning to think that this election scenario has turned into our own version of the "Kobayashi Maru"

   My autocorrect just changed "hiatus" to "hi anus" on this email subject line to my boss, so I guess I don't work here anymore.

   I will throw an old lady in front of me to avoid being seen by someone I know at the grocery store.