Funny Status Messages

   I wasn't allowed to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

   Can we just call the Chinese Corona Virus Kung Flu?

   Dear Ebay, I bought a plunger from you three years ago and don't need any more notifications letting me know new ones are for sale like I'm some kind of plunger collector or have some kind of weird fetish for them. Thanks!

   This quarantine got me thinking… What did our parents do to pass time before the Internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and none of them knew either.

   Wonder how those “I’ll never spank my Children doing” parents are doing. Y’all Good ?

   You can still have sex during the quarantine as long as you stay 6 feet apart and there are less than 10 people, right?

   Just walked into the shower with my underwear on... how’s everybody else’s quarantine going?

   I'm not sure I'm excited about ordering a drink at a bar once they open again. The drinks are going to be awfully weak compared to what I've been pouring!!

   Congratulations to the astronauts that left Earth today. Good choice.

   The only thing that scares me about this whole election is the Sunday drivers out on a Tuesday.

   I consider myself a social drinker....which means I'm pretty much social all the time.

   I'm not very good at human interaction. Would you mind leaving the room & texting me about this? Thanks.

   My wife didn't appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.

   The key to an unhealthy relationship is being with me.

   My life may be a mess, but I know where everything is.

   Wearing workout clothes like I'm about to do something other than eat cereal.

   My anti-social behavior reached a new high today when I was un-invited to a wedding, and it made my day.

   Facebook is comprised of psych0s. 49% make you think that their lives are the most perfect thing ever, and the other 49% make you think that their lives are the worst thing ever. The other 2% are you n' me.

   I have walrus-like reflexes! Basically I roll around my apartment and slap my belly when I want food

   I have no problem with strangers, as long as they don't act like they know ME.