Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Learn from your mistakes? It is far better to observe the stupidity of other people and learn from that.

   When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?

   Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.

   How did people get their blessings before Facebook was around for them to type Amen and share?

   My girlfriend is training for 2020 Olympics where she'll be competing in the Conclusion Jump.

   Do you know what really grinds my gears? Not pushing in the clutch far enough when shifting.

   Russia hacked my Yahoo email, which now explains why those hot singles never responded ...

   What if tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow?

   When the teacher pointed her ruler at me and said their's an idiot at the end of this ruler. I said which end?

   If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

   My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

   what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

   If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

   Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

   I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

   Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

   Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

   Nothing disturbs me more than the glorification of stupidity.

   No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

   I want an app to mute nearby people.